Shocking turn of fate gets man tossed in jail — just for putting the customer first!

Exclusive interview with man arrested for public indecency in front of major retailer. By: Arthur Stringer.

    Dilweed County Walmart Greeter Alby Dewlard granted this blog primary access after the young man posted bail. As to what happened? Just why did the 19 year old High School Junior get hauled in by the local Sheriff Deputies?

    Mr. Dewlard: You see, when I went through orientation at Walmart, I was told the customer is the reason we get paid. What they want, we go the extra mile to deliver. So, when I said to one gentleman “Welcome to Walmart” he said to me “Go F*ck yourself.”

    What wuz I to do? Ignore a customer’s demand? Unthinkable. ‘Sides, it weren’t that big of a deal for me, ’cause I walk around with a stiffy most of the time anyways. And I was sure I could maneuver my wingus just so, that the tip makes it just to the edge of my a —

    Arthur Stringer: THANK YOU MR. DEWLARD!!

Contest of Cosmologist comes to a screeching halt.

Science Desk —

    Cosmologist Michio Kaku (pronounced, um, uh?) is peeved. Recently the star scientist, who popularizes science with a serious yet impassioned flair, invited the Twitter-Verse to come up with their own brief impressions of the geometric shape of the universe. The three most incisive and insightful entries, so Mr. Kaku planned, would garner a follow up invitation for a full-brown submission, with supporting math. Instead, the precisionist Mr. Kaku barely got through the first three entries before succumbing to a conniption fit.

     The 1st entry, from someone with the handle 4EverAwaits, doltishly (Mr. Kaku’s words) described the universe as God’s snow globe, which He on occasion smacks when He catches someone masturbating.

    The 2nd offering was from WeedINeed, who claimed the universe is a pond under a microscope of a scientist, who himself is under the microscope of a scientist, in the pond! Cosmically circular, dude, crowed the aspirant. (Circuitously knuckle-headed, replied Mr. Kaku.)

    Lastly, Fug-another-Day insisted the universe is shaped like a multi-pronged dildo, which must account for the many, many ways he seemingly gets shafted right up the a*s, daily.

    Physicist Kaku abruptly suspended his Twitter account, put his fist through his computer screen, tossed his phone out his window at someone who looked stupid, and is now suspected to be on a bender — or, in his garage attempting to put all that high-level learning he has acquired over a lifetime of rationality into constructing a dooms-day device.

Trump’s bent for nicknames might undo his campaign.

Goiters

Donald Trump is many things: captain of industry, prime promoter of self, political colossus in the making, and gadfly extraordinaire. A man not only of many talents, but also acquired nicknames.

Before he became “The Donald” he was known as “The Trump.” That sobriquet was a spin off from a succession of labels from his early days, long before he became a household name.

Like when he hit puberty, the young Trump would have a go at anything with some estrogen and a pulse, thus he was known as “The Hump.”

Coupled with his sexual awakening was a desire to wear women’s clothing, especially his dowdy old grandmother’s clothes, earning him the mark “The Frump.”

And those small hands of his must have meant something at one time, for all the guys in the gym locker knew him as “The Stump.”

Before he could refine those awful nicknames to “The Trump,” he had to deal with one last unfortunate tag: “The Dump,” which arose from a volcanic bowel movement he unleashed in a public restroom while attending Military Academy.

Sadly — and at the worst time, election season — he might be tormented from another rhyming nickname, if rumors of Mr. Trump’s failings in the bedroom have a whiff of truth: “The Pump.”